How to never date a cheater again (and why I always felt ashamed to share this)
Have you ever been cheated on by not one, but several of your men? Have you been cheated on by the same guy several times? Yeah? Me too! I’d high five you on that but I don’t think it’s something to be ecstatic about.
But anyway, imagine yourself never dating cheaters again and being over all the pain they’ve caused you. Imagine having moved on, and never falling back to dating another cheater. Imagine entering your new relationship without all the baggage you brought into your other ones because you have forgiven the cheaters (yup, you read that right – forgiving the cheaters!). Sounds great, right?
Well, there is a way to do this, and it’s not even hard. It’s a very simple thing to do but most of us never think of it. But before I tell you what it is, please read my story so you know that I know what I’m talking about.
When I was 20, I met a guy, let’s call him K., with whom I quickly fell so hard in love with that I could never see myself without him ever again. The remainder of my last six weeks in Los Angeles before I had to move back to Germany, we spent every day glued to each other and after three weeks, he also told me he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what.
At this time (June ’09), I had been in Los Angeles for nine months, and didn’t think I was going to be able to keep studying there because of financial reasons.
After I left, he told me he could barely eat because he missed me so much. He said he would stay in his house and not go out at all because he was so sad. But then, something changed and he became angry and sometimes refused to talk to me. He always couldn’t believe why a girl like me would stay with him, a teenager (he was a bit younger than me) with a poor family, raised in the streets of Los Angeles, gangs and all – meaning he had witnessed friends and family being shot, etc.
A few weeks later, I discovered girls on his MySpace (remember? LOL) and he told me he was fooling around with some of them. What could I do? I was an ocean and a continent and a half away and didn’t know if I would ever make it back to Los Angeles. I still felt betrayed, cheated on. I felt the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Now, I also stopped eating and leaving the house. I believe this was because I considered him my first true love.
Because I missed Los Angeles so much, I booked a flight for Christmas and New Years ’09/’10 to spend time with my friends. Of course, I told him I’d be there.
We spent a few days together, hanging out, until something happened again, and I felt betrayed again. Here was the guy I loved and the guy who I thought loved me so much, getting with other girls, again…
I stopped talking to him and returned back to Germany.
He knew I’d be coming back to Los Angeles only a month later, in January ’10, because I worked a way out to study again in the city I loved so much. He knew, yet he still didn’t believe how I could love him and I would want to be with him. He had never known anyone to love him like I did, not even his mom, and that’s what he told me often. He believed it was too good to be true.
I moved far away from where he lived but it so happened that I saw him on the train right next to me while I was there with my new boyfriend, D.
Anyway – that moment we saw each other brought back so many emotions.
A few months later, on Valentine’s Day 2011, I found out D. had been cheating on me with not only his ex wife, but also another woman, who answered the phone and probably wasn’t the only one either. This woman told me something that would never make me want to speak to D. again, so #boybye – I got over that one quickly.
A few months after that, K. and I started chatting and dating again. We were happy until… he had to spend a month in jail because of some small stupid, minor thing. Here I was, at his court hearing with his mom, seeing how he got handcuffed and taken away. A month later, I was there to pick him back up. He promised me he would never go to jail again because it was so terrible in there.
Jail had traumatized him even more when it came to love. Men had told him about their ladies who had cheated on them, left them, etc. So, he went back to his old ways – being with other girls for short periods of time while constantly reassuring me, I’ve always been the one for him. The “problem” was that his mother assured me the same thing. She always said that K. absolutely loves me, that she loved me, and that no matter what, I’d always be family to them.
A few months later, the same thing happened. We dated for two weeks and things were perfect, then he went to cheat on me for the umpteenth time.
But, you guessed it, we started talking again. We spent Christmas at his grandma’s house while all the while, he was accusing me to like his cousin (who was like 15 at the time, so it was completely ridiculous).
Shortly after, he started getting into trouble. His mom kicked him out. So he began doing illegal things for easy money. I told him to let me stay out of all of this and keep me out of it and he did.
However, when he was homeless, I tried to hide him at my house for a few days, but he couldn’t stay because my landlord would kick me out if he found out. When I couldn’t take him in for long, he became angry too and turned away from me again and got with other girls.
Then, for some reason, he picked himself up again, stopped engaging in criminal activities, was able to move back into his mom’s house, tried to find a job and support her, and things between us looked as great as never before.
When we were at our highest point – the happiest we had ever been – I get a call on my way to school.
“Baby, I’m in jail and I only have one minute and only one call.” What happened?! “Police showed up at my door last night. They said they had fingerprints matched with mine on a break-in case.”
His trial went on for several months. Once I was at the hearing, a few times I visited him in jail, seeing him to a glass wall, talking through a phone – like a movie.
He put me through hell while he was in jail, even accusing me of flirting with the guards because apparently some liar had told him that. But he was in such a terrible state not knowing when and if he would get out.
While his trial was still going on, I went to Germany for 3 months without being able to hear from him. Through his mom on Facebook I found out, he was sentenced to 3-4 years in prison. He always told me he never did what they accused him of, and that he covered for someone else. To this day, I don’t know if this is true.
This was the summer of 2013. When I got back to L.A., I was about to finish my last quarter at university. I told myself I had to let this man go because I was about to start “the real life,” with a work visa and stuff, where I couldn’t allow myself to get sucked into any criminal activity or even know about them. Also, I felt like I was getting too old for his way of life. I needed to get my shit together.
He would not stop calling me or sending me letters. I blocked and unblocked him several times. If he didn’t call for a while, I could set my clock that he would call within two months. I was never able to fully let go because I had loved this man so much.
In 2015, two years after he was taken away, I was struggling with men to the point where I had something terrible happen to me. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. However, after K. and D. until today, I have never dated a cheater again.
Then, I met a lady who claimed she saw the wall I had built up which was keeping me from having other, successful relationships. What she told me next changed my life: “Write a letter where you forgive him for everything he did to you and where you forgive yourself for everything. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Write down all the things you forgive him and all the things you want to forgive yourself. Write down everything you still want to tell him. Then, take all of his letters and burn them along with the one you wrote. After that, light a white candle in your room and let it burn down.”
The thought about forgiving him had crossed my mind. But the thought of forgiving myself for standing by him countless of times after he cheated on numerous occasions had never occurred to me.
Burning all the letters, I went to the National Forest in L.A., which was plagued by severe drought back then and where all things fire were strictly prohibited. But the rebel that I am, I burned the letters there.
I have not looked back since. This simple letter burning set me free. I’d say with that I healed most wounds. I was now able to tell him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore and that we would never be together again.
When he told me he had found out that he had a little son (I still don’t know if this is really true), I was shocked for a second because that must have happened during the time we were seeing each other, BUT I moved on super quickly. I still have love for him but I am at peace with the situation. I have forgiven him for what he did and I have forgiven myself.
Forgiven myself for believing him over and over again. Forgiven myself for enabling him. For always taking him back.
Now, I know this story could have gone without the jail part (and it’s not about that) and I hope you didn’t have to experience anything like this, BUT what I wanted to leave with you is that it’s important to forgive not only him, but also yourself. Write that letter. Do it right now. Don’t put it off. You’ll feel so much better!
Like I said, after him, I have never dated anyone like him anymore. I have never been cheated on again and never attracted people like him again. With this simple letter, my whole life has changed.
And you know what? I thank K. I thank him for making me the strong person I am today who’s able to see through the bullshit of other cheaters!
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